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I, No Longer

by Pentimento

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released October 23, 2015

Recorded by Paul Leavitt



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Pentimento Buffalo, New York

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Track Name: Small Talk for Strangers
It's a long way from lonely to home. The miles and miles of silence - just as together as we were alone. We made small talk just like strangers do. The longer I stay, the less of me there is. Do you feel strange that just like the last time, this won't be the last time? We made small talk just like strangers do. There's always going to be something that feels like it's missing.
Track Name: My Solution is in the Lake
A trivial and tangled bedroom floor. Wait until the sun finally sets before you climb the stairs to an apartment that you don't call "home" anymore. You put your fingers to your temple in the shape of what resembles the punchline to your way out. Get me out - I just want to disappear. Let me go before I burn us both to the ground. Yesterday forgets you before you have the chance to do the same. I see how much time you spend breaking your own heart over this. Right on cue, every ghost you know comes right back to haunt you. I am the question. You are the answer. Who knew that those things just don't fit together? So I shake in salt lakes because I can't explain, and you wouldn't understand anyway. Do you recall the summer where everything you did was sponsored by your cigarettes and the thoughts in your head? All you talked about were ways to motivate yourself to leave the house. At least until you gave yourself a reason to live. But yesterday forgets you before you have the chance to do the same.
Track Name: Sink or Swim
I am an inconvenient thing able to see the good in everything else but myself. I'd do my best too explain if I had something that was clever to say - but I don't. And I can't. So do I sink or swim? I'm drowning in the "what ifs" and "could have beens" I'm not good enough for myself, let alone anyone else - and that's just the way it is. Yeah - I'm still alone the way I was a year ago, but it's better the devil you know instead of the devil you don't. I'll just waste away and worry about everything I cannot change. Maybe I'm everything I hate. I guess I'm everything I hate. I became everything I hate. I'm simply everything I hate. O, God - I'm everything I hate.
Track Name: Clever Reason
On my way home, I hoped that every passing car out on the road was you. Catching up to tell me something resembling the truth. But you haven't even said you're sorry yet - so instead, would you tell me this?
Did you hesitate on your way through the door? On your way home, did you make peace with everything that you'd done wrong, or did you decide that it was my fault all along? Did you think of me when you left the jewelry I gave you there on purpose? As if you needed a clever reason to return.
Did you hesitate on your way through the door, or did it make you feel more alive? Or less responsible this time for what you left behind? Will you think of me when all the guilt builds a home in all your good days? Did it make you feel more alive, or left behind?
Track Name: Stuck Forever
From a photo to a phone call, and on to the front steps - It's a clever way to illustrate all of the patterns we create. I'm counting seconds between every breath I take while you patiently anticipate everything you want me to say. But what you're waiting for just isn't worth the wait. Do you have good days, or am I still in your way? Are all the things you thought were worth it turning out to be mistakes? Does it feel like we're stuck forever, alone together? We are. We used to talk about the future - We haven't said a word in weeks. Are you afraid to let go even though you're guilty/nervous/sick over the things you struggle with and second guess what you would miss if you could live without the distance after all?
But soon enough, I'll grow into a body that you have never touched. You'll shed your skin between the sheets where you're making memories without me. But what you're waiting for just isn't worth the wait.
Stuck forever, alone together.
Track Name: Got My Answer
So tell me how this works. Just hold the past over my head. Go on and tell me something to the effect of "look at what you're giving up for what you're gonna get..." But the talking just gets us to nowhere because the truth is in the way. So when I asked you if things had changed for you, in your silence - I got my answer. How did we get here? Where are we now? If the answers existed, would I want to find out? I got my answer. The talking just gets us to nowhere. I got my answer.
Track Name: Gateway
Hey, I thought I chased you away. I guess I misunderstood the depth of the will that it takes. What is it they say? "You have to hit rock-bottom before you learn to be okay". Are you back to your old ways? You're back to your old ways. Losing faith in everything - refusing to make a change. Like it matters anyway. It doesn't matter anyway. We live, we die, we all end up the same. So I let you go. It didn't feel like anything. Just let me go for good. I guess this feels like nothing at all. Let me go.
Track Name: Tiger Eye
When I get the call, I'll be sure to put the pedal to the floor because I know it's what you would want. After all, you've done the same for me at least a thousand times. Even when I didn't know I needed you. I'd like to use the word "afraid" but I'm afraid that it just wouldn't do - but i'm scared that if i pray for angels to take you away...No matter how much I beg or I ask or I plead with God, he'll just send an ambulance and it will be over. It will be over way too soon. My father said to me:

"Take your biggest swing at the world and don't give up until you get exactly where it is you want to be. And don't you dare love anyone who doesn't deserve your love. And don't forget me when I'm gone, but carry on".
Track Name: Slow But Sure
"I used to be someone that I could feel proud of. But you know how things change". Does it ever get old saying that to yourself in the mirror every day? "I used to be someone that I could fucking trust. But you know how things change". Does it ever get old saying that to yourself in the mirror every day? You're moving slow but sure towards the mistakes you're going to make. The talking leads to touching, the touching leads to shame. When all you need is a stiff drink and a song you know to feel comfortable. To feel right at home. Some sort of substance to let you know it's going to be alright. And then you're buried by your bad decisions - but you don't want to change.
Track Name: No Matter What
...and I breathe the air destined for somebody else who can hold a conversation. I guess i'm scared to tell you what I've been thinking. I've got a million ways to doubt myself, and a violent wish I was someone else - but I just like the thought that you might need me like I need you. No matter what we do tonight, nothing between us will ever feel right again. Oh, god damn does it get old when you're trying to move on without spending time alone. What a beautiful exchange to break each other's hearts without saying anything. ...and I breathe the air destined for somebody else who can hold a conversation. I guess i'm scared to tell you what I've been thinking because you are the drugs that I do now. You light me up just to put me out. But somehow, you're still flowing through my veins. No matter what we do tonight, nothing between us will ever feel right again.
Track Name: Tell Me
If I'm being honest, then I honestly don't know why I drove us both so far away from home. It showed the distance between all my words and the truth - because the truth just isn't good enough for you. So tell me where we went wrong. So I stood by to watch you throw it all away. You said "i'll miss you but I think I'll be okay". If we have to have this conversation, tell me: what's the use when the truth still isn't good enough for you? The car ride was quiet with both of us silently thinking "please let this be the end".